Cranky Fibro Girl

Harnessing the healing power of snark

It’s Official-I’m A Grownup

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And tonight I had to admit it.

Oh sure, there have been signs for a while now:

-the fact that the music from “Top Gun”, the defining movie of my teenage years, now frequently appears in its pan flute version as Muzak.

-the fact that when I said to one of my tutoring students, “Oh, we’re about to start the chapter on…THE PLANE”, and waited expectantly, grinning like an idiotic loon, he did not immediately respond with an impression of Tattoo.

-the fact that I began a sentence with, “When I was growing up in the ’70’s”, and the student I was tutoring gasped so heavily I thought he was going to pass out from oxygen deprivation.

-the fact that when I try to explain the parts of speech by singing, “Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?”, or, “Lolly Lolly Lolly, get your adverbs here!”, my students don’t join in and sing with me. Instead, they surreptitiously look around for the nearest exit.

But tonight I saw something that forced my out of my denial and into the truth: the cultural experiences that played a part in forming who I am are “officially” old. I realized this at the music store when I saw that the 3 disc sets of 80’s hits on sale for $9.99 looked EXACTLY like the 3 disc sets of the music from the ’40’s and ’50’s (or, Music That I Consider To Be Old)

Clearly fictionalized stories of my childhood, involving phrases like, “barefoot in the snow”, and “uphill both ways” cannot be far behind.

You Know You’re In Your Thirties When…

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I have noticed a lot of changes in my life since I entered my thirties, but the most mystifying one to me is the inordinate amount of concern I have over the sharpness of our kitchen knives. I often find myself wistfully recalling the Ginsu knife commercials of the 1970’s where they sliced up aluminum cans and thinking, “Why can’t my knives be that sharp?”

So about two weeks ago I finally took our knives in to be professionally sharpened. Everything was going along just fine until the man helping me asked me what I wanted him to do about the edges on one particular group of knives, in a tone that suggested that, a) I should know exactly what he was talking about, b) clearly the mere fact that these knives even had this type of edge should have been keeping me up at night, and c) I should apologize for even owning that kind of knife, much less bringing it into a professional cutlery establishment.

I decided to do what anyone would do when faced with a room full of sharp knives, dangerous machinery, and a very large man with bulging, tattoo-laden biceps who tests knife blades by slicing off his own arm hair. I told him to do whatever he wanted.

So he did, and now that our knives cut well again I am ready to be seized by a new compulsion. I’ll keep you posted as things develop.

Can You Hear Me Now?

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Over the last few days I’ve had a number of encounters with lizards. This is unusual for me because, one, I stay inside a lot, and two, I generally only notice the cute and furry kinds of animals, like kitties and bunnies. But all of a sudden lizards are turning up everywhere, both literally and figuratively.

Last week I was talking to one of my coaches about how much I love summer, saying that I felt like a lizard just lying on a rock and soaking up the sun. The very next day I was walking down my driveway, and suddenly I came upon a lizard, just lying on the concrete and soaking up the sun. It was very synchronistic and deeply meaningful, right up until the time my husband came home from work and declared that it was not actually sunning itself, but in fact was dead.

So I kind of forgot about lizards until they came up again today, twice. Then I thought that maybe someone, somewhere was trying to send me a message, so I did a little research on animals to see what lizards represent.

However the entertaining part of this story is not in the actual message itself, but rather in the method of its delivery. Apparently whoever was sending me this message decided that I wasn’t listening very well, so they decided to “kick it up a notch”-or two-on the drama scale.

First we discovered that the driveway lizard was actually alive, when he leaped into the air and ran away the moment my husband touched him with a shovel, in preparation for burying him. Then this afternoon, as I was talking to another coach on the phone and sharing my whole me-as-a-lizard metaphor, I saw my cat, Tigger, triumphantly trotting inside with a lizard dangling from his mouth.

Rather than dwell on just how creeped out I was, I will hasten to assure you that the lizard was unharmed and was safely returned to the wilds of suburban Atlanta, although it did involve a very frantic lizard rescue operation, and I may never feel comfortable walking barefoot in my kitchen again.

I’m definitely paying attention now.

Things That Make You Say, “What?!”

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My favorite reason to tell a story is to make someone laugh. So to brighten up this rainy Sunday afternoon I offer the following “funnies” for your entertainment.

Under the category of, “Words You Don’t Want To Hear”…

From my chiropractor, the first time she was examining me on the table:
The Doctor: “I’m sure that both of your legs probably are the same length.”
Me: (To myself) Nothing good can follow that sentence.

From our bug guy, who came to de-wasp our porch:
The Bug Guy: “I’ve never seen anything like this before!”

The Bug Guy, on his second visit to clear the porch: “If I’d done this all at once I would’ve taken this box in to show everyone at work.”
Me: “Oh, great! So we could become famous as, ‘Those Wasp People’.”
The Bug Guy: “Oh, I already tell people about you.”

From my massage therapist last Friday as she was working on my shoulder:
The Massage Therapist: “Hm.” Then silence.
Me: (To myself) I think that in this situation, ignorance really is bliss.

And to anyone whose job requires them to work either with the general public or with young people, I offer these two anecdotes gleaned from my own personal work experience.

This actual conversation took place when I was working a shift at the information desk at a bookstore:
Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”
The Customer: “I’m looking for a book on war. The cover is red and the letters in the title are white.”
Me: “Um, there’s no search field in our data base for colors.”

This actual conversation took place the year I started my own tutoring business.
The Student: “My teacher hates me.”
Me: “Why do you think that?”
The Student: “Well, I was just sitting there in class, and then suddenly my jacket was on fire.”
Me: (Silently) Yeah, she probably does.

Welcome to My New Blog

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For a long time now I have been intrigued by the idea of blogs, and I am excited that I finally have one of my own. I love the freedom of being able to get my thoughts and ideas out to lots of people so easily . I love having a space that gives people a chance to experience who I am when they visit my website. Most of all, I love being able to share all the fun that I have by just being me and being here in this life.

I found a great quote by John D. MacDonald that really sums up my approach to life. He says, “My purpose is to entertain myself first and other people secondly.” After that, everything else just takes care of itself.