In a few months I will turn 36, and I have realized that it is time for me to make some important decisions in my life.
Namely, I have decided to change my political affiliation to Any Party That Does Not Hold Primary Elections In The Middle Of The Summer. Because if I have to answer the phone and listen to one more awkward and uncomfortable pre-recorded message asking me for my vote, on top of the Unidentified Yet Extremely Painful Ear Inflammation, as well as the fact that someone (I’m looking at you, Pip!) barfed all over my left Birkenstock last night, then I really don’t think I can be held accountable for my actions.
So please, Gwinnett County Republican Party members, STOP! FUCKING! CALLING! ME!
Because apparently you haven’t yet gotten the memo on this, but I don’t actually base my voting decisions on A Candidate’s Ability To Annoy The Shit Out Of Me Before They’ve Even Been Elected To Office.
But you can rest assured that if I did, you would all be winners.
I’m really proud of you for dropping the F-bomb. Next time, you should bump it up a notch and ask the telemolesters if they want to ride your cock rocket. They’ll stop calling.