Dutch man injures posterior in mooning accident

1. In its continuing dedication to reporting on “People Who Are Famous For Absolutely No Reason That Anyone Can See”, People.com brought us the breaking news that Carmen Electra is making sure to find time in her busy schedule to address the heretofore unmet need for “her own new line of portable stripper poles so ladies can get a work out Carmen style.”

FINALLY! At last I know what our living room has been missing for all these years!

2. I knit a wool hat, which I was then supposed to shrink, or “felt” down to the proper size in my washing machine. Unfortunately, it now resembles nothing so much as a soft, pink, Frisbee.

When I was describing this to my mom (who is also a knitter) and discussing my problems with shaping she replied, “Oh! If only I had a human head, I would give it to you!.”

A little while ago my husband and I played host to an out-of-town friend of ours. He had a layover in Atlanta, so we picked him up from the airport and hung out together for a few hours.

This friend has recently come out, and so we spent a lot of time talking about the issues he is facing, the effect all of this is having on his relationships, and how he appreciates having friends like us who are willing to talk about this with him.

After we’d hit all the relevant historical sites (read: IKEA) we were trying to decide where to go next.

“How about the Botanical Gardens?” suggested my husband.

“Ooh, great!” I agreed.

“Um, why are we going to a garden again,” asked our friend.

“Because we like to look at flowers,” I replied.

“Oh, geez!,” our friend retorted. “You guys are gay!”

Peace, love, and understanding, man. That’s what we are all about here.

I had two thoughts when I saw this sign.

One: just exactly where did this advertising firm find a focus group whose everyday life regularly includes rogue pachyderms rampaging through their houses and wrecking all their furniture, and

Two, and probably most importantly: Do we need to move?

Find out here.

Yesterday I was working on some new vocabulary words with one of my students. She quickly scanned the list, and from time to time I heard her mutter one of the words under her breath.

“Bargain…department store…size…oh, and there’s the gay man’s section.”

“What?!” I asked, apparently having missed that particular term during my own perusal of the list.

“Jenny,” she replied, in a tone designed to convey that, truly, my stupidity was beyond her ability to comprehend, “it’s synthetic fabrics.”

A friend, on recommending to us that we make the acquaintance of one of her friends, gave us the following glowing reference:

“He’s comfortable with his hate.”

(The phone rings. It’s my parents.)

My dad: “Jennifer! I need to talk to you RIGHT! NOW!”

Me (sitting down, just in case): “OK.”

My dad: “Are you familiar with a product called ‘Vera Mist’?”

Me (realizing that it’s OK to relax, yet not entirely sure where this is going): “Um, no.”

My dad: “Well, your mother and I were just watching TV and we saw a commercial for it. Apparently it’s a new nasal spray.”

Me: “Hm.”

My dad: “And you know how they have all that small print at the bottom of the screen, like ‘Not for use for children under 12′ and things like that?”

Me: “Yeah.”

My dad: “Well, one of the disclaimers said-and I swear, this is exactly what it said-’It is not entirely known how Vera Mist works.’

Me: (now in dire need of some Vera Mist myself, due to all the snorts of laughter.)

My dad (imitating a marketing executive): “Yeah, we don’t actually know what our product does. But why don’t you just go ahead and squirt it right up your nose anyway? Near your brain!”

China Regulates Buddhist Reincarnation

“In one of history’s more absurd acts of totalitarianism, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission.”

And how, exactly, are they planning on enforcing this?