When I was making the Thursday Thirteen rounds this week I found this FANTASTIC list of “updated” Christmas carols at Unseal My Lips that I totally had to steal borrow and post here.

1)Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia - I Don’t Remember If I’ll be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic - Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And…

5) Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I’m Gonna Cry, and I’ll not Tell You Why

8) Full-Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

11) Senile Dementia - Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Bonus:
14)Attention Deficit Disorder - We Wish You…Hey Look!! It’s Snowing!!!

It’s been really interesting to watch the progression that my various-and totally inappropriate-spam comments have undergone as spammers continue exploring new ways to get around our filters.

The spam I’ve been receiving lately has turned into a sort of twisted version of Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts. I’m getting all these weird comments that wouldn’t even make sense in a fortune cookie-things like, “He who to you does an ill turn, you he’ll never forgive.”

What?!

It’s like all the spammers got together one day and said, “You know, I bet if we distract all our targets with a stunningly profound opening, they won’t even notice that the rest of our comment is composed entirely of random words we shot out of our patented, ‘Foul Phrase Generator’, plus eleventy-four thousand links to “adult” websites.”

Yeah, right.

And while we’re on the subject of spam, I did experience a karmically perfect moment the other day upon receiving one particular piece of spam. Because the sender? Was “ass”. (See: The Word Ass, My Irrational Love For)

Apparently just having one completely functional leg on which I was able to move around was not enough of a challenge for me, so this morning I decided to drop the entire baking dish containing last night’s dinner on the big toe of my “good” leg. And while I enjoy the color purple, I do prefer less painful ways of adding it into my daily life.

So instead of writing about Just How Much That Hurts, or about how the lower body pain is only going to increase, given that yesterday my trainer told me, “We are going to do squats until you tell me that you love squats. And you can’t lie, either. You have to be telling the truth,” something that will clearly never happen unless we are all magically transported into some kind of parallel universe, I decided to devote this post to another of my favorite topics (besides not being in pain): cats. There is some funny stuff involving cats on the Internet.

I dare you not to feel better after you go here.

This site will get your creative juices flowing, though possibly not in the most constructive ways.

And finally, the idea for this site would never have occurred to me in a million years.

So now that you will all be off surfing the net, that will free up lots of time for me to start taking pictures of my wounded toe and emailing them to my husband at work, with helpful, illuminating captions such as, “Dude! Look what color it is now!”

An unfortunate side effect of my blog gaining more and more visibility is that it is apparently also bringing me to the attention of more and more spammers.

Usually I don’t even look at the spam, preferring instead to spend my time strengthening my spam filters and wishing for a way to somehow attach a tiny but powerful blowgun to all spammers’ computers, so that anytime they even thought about sending out more spam they would instantly be flooded by a multitude of sharp, poisonous darts.

But the other day I received an email that acutally made me stop in my tracks and do a double take and, committed as I am to bringing you the humor in everday life, I can’t not share it here:

“Hi, may i present you freshest hot stuff?

I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, (emphasis mine) if medicine prices here are bad.

Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong..

My dog and I are still alive ”

Phew! I’m so relieved that enough people were sucked in by your scheme that you have not been forced to commit horrible acts of violence against yourself or your pet!