“Just because I have breasts, that doesn’t mean I have magical powers over infants.”

-Brennan to Booth on “Bones”

Given that my days are filled with writing, teaching, and managing our household, I spend a lot of my time asking questions. My question range from wondering about the meaning of life, to wondering just how so many disgusting things can come out of such small, furry beings. And why do we let them live with us, again?

But I am only one person, and so obviously I alone cannot formulate all the questions that need to be posed about our human existence.

This fact was brought home to me last night as my husband and I were watching an old episode of “Top Gear”, because I realized that never in life had it occurred to me to ask,

“Can a nun drive a monster truck?”

So clearly, in an effort to meet this evolutionary need, that is why God made boys.

Last night the writer’s strike forced us prime time viewers to watch a program featuring

-the man who holds the record for Most Watermelons Smashed With Head

-and the man who holds the record for Most Bubbles Blown With Live Tarantula In Mouth

Help.

Ironically, just as I was in the middle of writing yesterday’s post I got a phone call from the nurse. I was really excited to hear what she had to say, which unfortunately turned out to be: a whole lot of nothing.

After an awful lot of hemming and hawing, she told me that my sample had been located, and it had been analyzed, but no one was allowed to know what the report said.

So apparently I was wrong; my poo was not on the run. It was actually in the witness protection program.

Apparently the secrets it contains are so valuable to some (what was the effect of the drug on my illness) and so dangerous to others (actually, dangerous to the same people, as apparently releasing any information about my sample would unblind the study, thus causing the earth to crash into the sun and bringing the end of life as we know it) that it is being highly guarded in a secure, secret location. And I don’t have a high enough security clearance to have any further contact with it.

Well alrighty then. Now I understand how Sydney Bristow felt when the FBI wouldn’t tell her how they were planning on taking down SD-6.

“The pan fire has become a van fire!”

-Jeremy Clarkson of “Top Gear” to his co-hosts, Richard Hammond and James May, as their show on caravans (campers) comes to a roaring end, after Jeremy’s attempt at cooking lunch destroys not only their caravan, but that of the complete strangers who were unfortunately parked right next to them.

Actually, I really do enjoy my job of tutoring high school kids in Spanish. But there are times, like when I’m having to conjugate the verb “to be” for the eighty-seven bazillionth time that session, that I am severely tempted to claw out my own eyes, just for a change of pace.

But then last night I watched an episode of “Top Gear” and learned that some people’s jobs involve being able to successfully pass the (auto) “industry standard” Escaping From Army Snipers test.

All things considered, I think I’ll stick with grammar.

“All I want is a comfy environment, and for my balls not to hurt.”

-Hugh Grant, when asked what he looked for in a car on the show “Top Gear”

-I really do think it’s quite interesting that a noun’s a person, place or thing.

-I often have wondered, Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?

-I frequently do need to stop and unpack my adjectives.

While watching the Science Channel TV show entitled, “Most of Our Universe is Missing“, I learned the following helpful model which explains how the composition of the Universe breaks down.

5% is composed of atoms

21% is composed of “dark matter”, which no one can prove exists

and the remaining 75% is composed of “dark energy”, which no one actually understands

Now this is the kind of math that I can totally get behind, math which basically says “Um, yeah, we don’t actually know so…let’s just go with ‘magic’.”

So, thanks so much, World’s Top Cosmologists, but could I just make one, tiny suggestion? The next time you need to come up with a model which basically rests upon The Presumption Of Magical Particles, hows about you just come to me first? I’m way less expensive than launching satellites into space and can come up with just as magical a solution, and then with all that money we’ve just saved we can apply ourselves to some important issues here on earth. Such as convincing the CW not to cancel Veronica Mars before we learn whether or not Logan and Veronica can ever work out all their problems and become the happy, stable, staying-together-forever kind of couple that we are looking for in our television viewing. (And yes, I AM bitter!!)

Just a thought.

Last night my husband and I were watching the Mythbusters test the myth that diving underwater will protect you if someone is shooting at you.

As they were explaining the rig they were going to build that would allow them to shoot some ENORMOUS guns into water in the middle of Jamie’s shop, my husband paused the show (and let us all hail the awesomeness that is TIVO!) to share his thoughts on the matter.

My husband: You know, I bet they could just calculate that. They know what kind of drag the bullet has…

Me (interrupting, because I was kind of being bitchy last night): Dude, nobody wants to watch people just sitting around doing equations. People don’t tune in to see Mathbusters!