How Not To Be A Dumbass
Dear Doctors, please take note of the following items:
-please do not walk into the exam room telegraphing the message of, “I’m right, and you’re wrong, because I am the doctor. Especially if we’re a new patient, and you’ve never seen us before.
-please understand that if we tell you that, on a scale of 1-10 our pain level is a 15, or a 20, WE NEED YOU TO GIVE US SOME RELIEF! RIGHT! NOW! Then we can chat.
-and on that note, when we do come to you in excruciating pain, please do not thrown useless information at us so as to convince us of your so-called brilliance. We don’t give a flying fuck about how good you think you are. All we care about is, HOW SOON CAN YOU RELIEVE THIS PAIN?!
-please know that we have told the tale of our medical history approximately 87,000,000 times, and it seems to get longer every time. Plus it is a constant reminder to us of all that we have to live with, and all that we have lost. So we’re not being difficult if we don’t tell it “exactly right.” We’re sad.
-we are so, so, SO tired.
-we really are doing the very best that we can
-you have no idea what we actually go through every single day. Not many people are strong enough to bear what we have to bear every single day of our lives.
-we are in pain Every. Single. Day. The fact that we don’t rip off our clothes, tear out our hair, and go running down the street naked and screaming is a fucking miracle.
-we have been dealing with this shit for a long fucking time. WE KNOW WHAT TO DO. We are the experts on our bodies, NOT YOU. So please listen to us and give us the respect that we deserve.
-please do not ask us what we have been doing to manage our symptoms and then disapprove of or disregard everything we say. Because we will cut you. Deep.
-when we talk to you as a patient and tell you intimate details about our health, we are trusting you. Do not betray this trust and turn this information into a weapon that you use against us to tell us how “bad” we are and how we are doing everything wrong.
-DO NOT TALK TO US ABOUT THE FOLLOWING ITEMS: going gluten free, taking vitamins and/or natural supplements, eating only organic foods, “natural” lifestyles, getting off of our medications, the latest “miracle cure” that you’ve recently just learned about and are now selling to your patients just like a car salesman, desperately hoping to make some commissions, etc.
-do not, DO NOT, under any circumstances whatsoever, especially if you have only known us for a total of seven minutes, and ESPECIALLY if you are not our primary doctor, but just the person who could work us in on an emergency basis, and who we will never see again, say the following words: “My advice to you is to stop taking so many medications for all those different conditions, and to just figure out a way to ‘beat them one by one’.” Or if you do, then just go ahead and expect to be beaten to death with your stupid little doctor stool. BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY DESERVE IT!
-be wary of uttering the words, “support hose” to any woman under the age of 65.
-Hey-if you only want to be around healthy people, THEN STOP BEING A FUCKING DOCTOR!
-You may be “very excited” about our case. You may think that we are “very interesting”. That’s cool for you, but for us? All we hear is “we don’t really know what the hell we’re doing, but won’t it be fun to find out?!” Um, NO!
-If have just given the medical assistant a detailed novella regarding the sinus and ear pain we are currently experiencing, do not enter the examination room and start off by asking us how many weeks pregnant we are.
-If we have already dealt with one round of the Hostile Alien Bacteria of a dire intestinal bacterial infection and then come in complaining about THE EXACT SAME SYMPTOMS, do not tell us that it is probably just our period. Because trust us, IT ISN’T.
-And most especially, it we come in complaining about what we are pretty damn sure by this time is the third round of this particular illness, DO NOT project your weight stuff onto us and suggest that this is a good thing for us in that we can probably use it to “take off a few pounds”. Because, ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE US CRY?
-At the moment when we are strapped into an IV/high on medication/completely vulnerable in the stirrups/trapped by our connection to a tiny camera located on the inside of our body, etc., that is NOT the moment to announce to us that, “Hey, this is [so-and-so], and she is here today to learn how to do this procedure. Seriously-don’t
-If you are performing a procedure on a specific body part that you do not personally own, and we begin to writhe in pain, and then you announce in the bored, disinterested voice of someone who has performed this procedure a million times and who doesn’t really see patients as individuals anymore that “you may begin to experience some cramping”, then I’m pretty sure that we are protected by law if we jump up off of the table and strangle you with your own catheter.
-Please believe us when we tell you that the progression of our illness and/or our recovery is not linear. And often there is no visible cause and effect between what happens in our life and the symptoms we do (or do not) experience. Trust us when we tell you that if we ever do determine a consistent, repeatable pattern, there will be a party. And you will be invited. We promise-if that ever happens, you will know.
-As we see you many, many times a month, it is really not necessary for you to mention our weight at Every. Single. Appointment. Dude-WE KNOW. And the fact that we haven’t magically made it down to our “ideal weight” (whatever the fuck that means) does not mean that we are staying fat on purpose. We are not rebelling against you. We are not lazy slobs with no willpower who know better, but are just not doing what we’re supposed to be doing. It’s just that we kind of have a lot on our plate right now. It’s on our list, and we will get to it eventually. Just not right now.
-Please do not blame us if your treatment doesn’t work, or treat us as if we must have done something wrong to cause this. Sometimes things work for us, and sometimes things don’t.
-DO NOT tell a girl who has come to you for help with a dermatological problem that you don’t know of anything that can help with her “alligator skin”.
-Never tell a fibromyalgia patient that they don’t have to worry because “this procedure won’t hurt”. Trust us. It will.
-At 4:00 am in the ER, when I am in so much pain that I’m being given medication that’s “a little stronger than morphine”, “cheerful banter” about how much you hate your wife is neither helpful nor funny.
-When we are napping in bed, waiting for our surgery, clearly hooked up to a CPAP machine, we do not need you to leave us a helpful pamphlet on sleep apnea. I THINK WE’VE GOT THAT ONE COVERED.
-Also: please do not scare us by coming into our room and asking leading questions about how you suspect we might have diabetes, without actually coming out and saying that you suspect we’ve got diabetes, especially since, by your own account, my test results are probably just being caused by the impact my illness is having on my poor body.
I hear your pain and frustration here, Jenny. I am so sorry that you have experienced this – and it sounds like it has been the norm rather than the exception.
I am sure you speak for many patients when you say this.
I hope that those who read this can understand the importance of being sensitive to everyone’s needs here – patient, provider, staff, etc – because when we work as a team on behalf of the patient who is hurting as you are – hopefully things get better.
Again, so so sorry for so much hard in your struggle with fibro and totally empathizing with your anger here.
Thanks, Char. It is definitely a lot more frequent than it should be. At least I have learned through this that just because a doctor says something, that doesn’t mean that it is true, or right for me. And I can say so.
Also, at least I get some great stories!
EXACTLY. EXACTLY. EXACTLY. I am printing this off and taking it to my primary care physician, whom I just yelled at! Thanks…so need this.
Oh, great! Let me know what he says.
Hi,
Wendy Lee Lynds passed this on to me. I am glad she did! Thank you for putting voice to so many of my own thoughts and experiences….I have had about 4 months of on going medical issues and so many F$&@ing”God complex” doctors to deal with. Reading this made me laugh and take a breath of relief that I am not alone.
Thank you for sharing I am going to your facebook page and becoming a fan!
Blessings!
Oh yea!! Thanks so much for stopping by. And I’m so glad I could make you laugh, and that you discovered the company of others who are also struggling with this. We need support!
Hi Jenny, I hope you haven’t closed the comments on this post because I’d really like to express a few thoughts.
1) I know that you’re doing the best that you can. When you go to see a doctor, you’re not there for pleasantries; you’re there for help. AND, you’d really rather not go at all. Thus, the thought that even though you’re doing the best that you can, you’re seeking a doctor to help you because you actually need HELP.
2) When you see a doctor who doesn’t get it, you can be dealing with (a) someone whose narrow mind is made up because he or she knows-it-all (and does not care to learn ANY more), (b) someone who has never experienced your level of pain and dysfunction (or has a loved one who is living through it), or (c) someone who never does any investigative reading beyond the newspaper or standard medical journals (probably only catching the highlights) and never hears any further education beyond the drug rep’s monthly spiel. (That explains the pushing of drug samples and the like. That’s all that this type of doc knows how to do!!!) I doubt if a normal, general practice doctor’s continuing education goes very far when it comes to the intricacies of Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or chronic pain in general. Knowledge about the illnesses isn’t progressing or being offered to the general medical profession and they choose to leave the pain management issues up to the pain docs. (Heaven only knows what they know about Fibro and CFS!?????!)
Well, in essence I’m agreeing with you. I hear your frustration in your colorful language, gal
, but I also hear your exasperation of not being able to get past this type of “doctor” situation.
Sending you light, love and gentle hugs,
Cinda Crawford
**Edited to include only the parts I liked**
Update: Physician took this well. Kept it. This particular doc is understanding…good thing.
Taking this to another doc (the “psych” one) – yeah, we shall see how that goes….
Oh good. A convert!
Hope the next one is as receptive.
Hey, I am 20 and found out that I had FM last year after getting ill and the doctors not knowing what it was. I got told that it was all in my head for years, but the pain, fatigue etc. got worse. I finally got told I had it, when my mum told the doctors my family history, and told them my Gran has FM. Two and two were put together… at last.
I agree with everything that you have said. I just hate it because some people including nurses don’t believe I have FM, as they try to tell me that I am too young to have it. WTF! Around 19/20 is when it can start to show in some people. I hate how narrow minded some people are, and how I’m not getting much help with the emotional side of things and everything else.
My doctor thinks that I am depressed and that if I take anti-depressants that my mood and the pain due to my FM would sort it’s self out. My arse. It made my fatigue worse. I went hyper and then would crash out. Why do some doctors think anti-depressants are the solution for everything?!? He bullied me into taking them, as he wouldn’t give me ANY pain killers till I tried them. Have managed to get some pain killers now. Thank God, but it is not the point. I hate it how we are treated by some doctors.
@Kay-that’s terrible-as if we weren’t in ENOUGH pain, then we have to deal with horrible health care professionals like those. No one should ever be treated like that.
I’m glad you’ve finally gotten some medicines that actually *help*.
I love this list, especially the one about weight. Even though I’m a big guy, I probably do more physical stuff in a day than the doctor trying to tell me about how exercise would really, really help.
Sometimes I wonder, though, if I have FM so I can educate all the dumb-@$$ docs out there. Seems like I spend a lot of time in their offices giving lectures on sleep apnea, medications, and pain management.
Keep up the good work!