I have fibromyalgia.
AND, I am a massively creative person.
I have ideas and possibilities and desires to try new things pretty much oozing out of all my pores at all times. I walk around in a shower of ideas for creative projects generated by the streams of creative energy that are constantly flowing through me.
In some ways, this is SO cool. I have almost no trouble entertaining myself, because I have an incredibly rich, complex, and well-developed inner world. And truth be told, I’d rather spend my time there than anywhere else.
But in other ways, this is So. Damn. Hard.
And the Particular Hard that I’m experiencing right now is the fact that I can no longer ignore the existence of my body and its current physical reality of living with chronic pain and chronic fatigue. And I can no longer deny the fact that my body, fatigued, battered, and aching, plays a role in bringing all of my various creations out into the world.
I’ve never given birth to another human being, so I don’t have that bone-deep, visceral, bodily understanding that birthing something is one of the most physical processes that we humans experience. I don’t know anything about this personally, but I imagine that it’s impossible to have a baby without going through your body.
But until, like, two hours ago I’ve spent all my time and all of my will denying that what goes on in my mind, and then getting it out into the world into some kind of physical, tangible form has to have anything to do with my body.
Because my body hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts all the time.
It is stiff, and sore.
There aren’t many positions that feel comfortable for my body to be in.
I can’t wear most clothes that are out there, because it is excruciating when anything external puts any pressure at all on my shoulder and limbs.
Frankly, it is incredibly, horribly, AWFUL to be in my body most of the time.
But I’m in a body.
But I don’t want to be in a body, because there is just So. Much. Pain.
And I’m in a body.
And I don’t WANNA be in a body, dammit!
And I am.
Yeah, so I really don’t have anywhere else to go with this right now, because it’s pretty much taken me 38 years to stop denying the truth and admit that, no, I cannot change reality and find some way to exist in this life without a physical body.Plus the fact that my body has to do with everything about me. And everything about me has to do with my body.
I think that’s enough for today.