So you’ve probably noticed that it’s been kind of quiet around here lately. Even though I’ve been moving through so many different situations at what seems like the speed of light, for the first time in my 35 years, I seem to be out of words to describe what’s currently going on in my life.

I haven’t really known how to BE in this place, because always before, even if everything else fell apart, I could always fall back on a cushion of words to soften the blow. So I turned to one of my tried and true coping strategies, namely; “When in doubt, freak out.”

Because I am nothing if not generous, not to mention an excellent Drama Queen, I decided to share the freaky love with my coach during one of our sessions.

“GOD,” I announced, in my best, quivering, innocent-victim-of-the-universe voice, “God has taken all my words away! The one thing I most loved to do in the world, and now He’s taken it away from me for no reason!”

In what can only be described as a Superhuman Exercise Of Will which most likely led to severe internal hemorrhaging on her part, not only did my coach NOT laugh at me, but somehow she was also able to ask me helpful, non-mocking coachful questions to help me work through this issue.

“Well,” she asked, “does everything you write on your blog have to be funny?”

“Uh, DUH! YES!!” I replied. (Aren’t I just a dream client? Don’t you want to coach me too?) Fortunately she has raised two children, so she never takes snottiness personally.

“OK,” she replied, recognizing an Intractable Brick Wall Of Stubbornness when she saw one, “think about this. You had a plan for your blog when you started it three years ago. But you’re not the same person you were three years ago. Think about everything that has happened over the past year. So what if you could allow your blog and your writing to change, and reflect who and where you are now?”

She makes a good point. Especially given the fact that, if I had to give it a title, the theme of this past year would be,

I have hurt, in some way, every single day, for the past eight months.

Eight months of sickness, trauma, my life being completely out of my control, and pain.

One day last October I lost my health. Not because of anything I did or didn’t do. Not for any logical, rational reason. Just ‘cuz.

Overnight, I lost the ability to be the person I had been, and do everything I’d been doing up to that point.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

I never knew pain could hurt like this.

And even though I seem to have reached a place where the original illness is gone and the side effects are more or less managed, who’s to say they won’t show up again one day, out of the blue, for absolutely no reason at all? My body, my mind, my emotions, they are all tied up in knots and braced against more pain. Because I remember the pain. And I don’t know if I could bear to go through it again.

This was, and continues to be, a huge trauma for me. And I really don’t know how to be with it.

But I am still here. I do show up every day, even if all I do is open my eyes in the morning and acknowledge that I’ve arrived at the beginning of another day.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.

Enough. These few words are enough.
If not these words, this breath.
If not this breath, this sitting here.

This opening to life
we have refused
again and again
until now.

-David Whyte

was being informed that the latest, cutting-edge scientific research has uncovered the following shocking result:

“Boobs make men stupid.”

Well, duh.

“I bought 2 new games. They’re both by the same people who did ‘Mass Effect’.”

“The one where you were the chief?”

“No, the one where I was the captain of a ship.”

(Blank look)

“The one with all the sex.”

“Ah, that one.”

“And I don’t know what’s in these games, but the clerk made me show him my ID when I was checking out.”

“Wow-what does it say?”

“Hm, only blood, gore, and violence. But no sex.”

“Oh well, you can’t have everything.”

(The opening title sequence plays out on the TV screen.)

“But apparently it does have titties.”

“Well, it wouldn’t be a video game without titties now, would it?”

Someone to whom you can make the following, urgent request, even if they’re in the middle of an important business meeting involving people scattered across 3 different countries:

“Hi, it’s me. I’m calling because I need you to tell me that just because the active, throbbing joint pain of the last 3 days seems to be gone for the moment, that does NOT mean that it is time for me to get dressed and drive 15 miles up the highway to the bookstore, simply because they just emailed me a coupon for 30% off of one item.”

I came across this at Walking The Wall yesterday.

Progress

Let there be many windows to your soul,
That all the glory of the universe
May beautify it. Not the narrow pane
Of one poor creed can catch the radiant rays
That shine from countless sources. Tear away
The blinds of superstition; let the light
Pour through fair windows broad as truth itself
And high as God.

Why should the spirit peer
Through some priest-curtained orifice, and grope
Along dim corridors of doubt, when all
The splendor from unfathomed seas of space
Might bathe it with the golden waves of Love?
Sweep up the debris of decaying faiths;
Sweep down the cobwebs of worn-out beliefs,
And throw your soul wide open to the light
Of Reason and of Knowledge. Tune your ear
To all the wordless music of the stars
And to the voice of Nature, and your heart
Shall turn to truth and goodness as the plant
Turns to the sun. A thousand unseen hands
Reach down to help you to their peace-crowned heights,
And all the forces of the firmament
Shall fortify your strength. Be not afraid
To thrust aside half-truths and grasp the whole.

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

by John O’Donahue

(note: I transcribed this from a radio show, so I have all the phrasing and punctuation are my own interpretation, not necessarily how it’s actually written.)

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
time takes on the strain until it breaks.

Then all of the unattended stress falls in on the mind
like an endless, increasing weight.

The light in the mind becomes dim.

Things you could take in your stride before now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.

Gravity begins falling inside you, dragging down every bone.

The ride you never valued has gone out,
and you are marooned on unsure ground.

Something within you has closed down
and you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.

The desire that drove you has relinquished.

There is nothing else to do now but rest,
and patiently learn to receive the self you have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken,
and sadness take over like listless weather.

The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too far over false ground;
now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses.

Open up to all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain when it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
taking time to open the well of color that fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone until its silence can claim you.

Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit;
learn to linger around someone of ease,
who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
having learned a new respect for your heart,
and the joy that dwells far within slow time.

Dutch man injures posterior in mooning accident