(The phone rings. It’s my parents.)

My dad: “Jennifer! I need to talk to you RIGHT! NOW!”

Me (sitting down, just in case): “OK.”

My dad: “Are you familiar with a product called ‘Vera Mist’?”

Me (realizing that it’s OK to relax, yet not entirely sure where this is going): “Um, no.”

My dad: “Well, your mother and I were just watching TV and we saw a commercial for it. Apparently it’s a new nasal spray.”

Me: “Hm.”

My dad: “And you know how they have all that small print at the bottom of the screen, like ‘Not for use for children under 12′ and things like that?”

Me: “Yeah.”

My dad: “Well, one of the disclaimers said-and I swear, this is exactly what it said-’It is not entirely known how Vera Mist works.’

Me: (now in dire need of some Vera Mist myself, due to all the snorts of laughter.)

My dad (imitating a marketing executive): “Yeah, we don’t actually know what our product does. But why don’t you just go ahead and squirt it right up your nose anyway? Near your brain!”

As you may recall if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, last spring I participated in Jeff Justice’s Comedy Workshoppe. For graduation we each performed a 4-minute routine on stage at the Punchline, and while I don’t yet have the video I do have the audio, which I have handily turned into my next podcast offering.

Enjoy!

…you can no longer understand the messages conveyed by the music videos that fueled your teenage years.

I’m sure that when we watched the video for “Shout” by Tears For Fears back in the 80’s, we understood, on a deep cellular and metaphysical level, the reason for the angst that was consuming the band during the performance of this song.

But now it just leads to conversations like this:

My husband: I’ve never seen quite that level of teeth before when someone is singing.

Me: I know. It’s kind of scary.

TFF: “Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without.”

My husband: What things? What things?! We’d shout with you if we knew what the hell you were talking about!

Thanks to my new Blog Rush widget I have been enjoying many new, heretofore undiscovered, humorous blog posts, including this one that I liked so much over at Your Daily Fun Dose that I totally had to steal borrow it for my own blog.

Things You’d Like To Say At Work, But Can’t

# I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
# How about never? Is never good for you?
# I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
# I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
# I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
# I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
# I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
# It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
# Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
# I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
# I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
# I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
# Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
# The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
# Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
# I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
# Do I look like a people person?
# This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
# I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
# Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
# If I throw a stick, will you leave?
# Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
# I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
# Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
# Chaos, panic, and disorder — my work here is done.

It’s time for a little catching up here in the land of Using Our Powers For Good. Due to my recent journey through the dark places of the soul I’ve gotten a little behind on things I was tagged for. So here they all are in one fell swoop.

1. Recently I was flattered to become part of Priscilla Palmer’s Personal Development List, which you can read about here

My additions:

Debra at 28 Years Later.I visit Debra’s site every day because there is always something uplifting there-a photograph, a quote, a meditative insight on life-that gives me a boost and makes me feel good.

Laura Howard West at Cafe Entrepreneur. Laura was the very first Life Coach I ever worked with, and it was she who introduced me to the idea that life could actually be fun (gasp!) She does a lot of work on how to align yourself with joy in all the different areas in your life, especially in your business and your work.

Karen at Square Peg People. I met Karen at a retreat for Marney K. Makridakis’ magazine and art community, Artella. She is one of the coolest people I know, and does amazing work helping those of us who are most definitely Square Peg People in a Round Hole World.

And speaking of Marney, it was thanks to meeting her and getting involved with her and all the juicy goodness that is Artella that I finally unpacked my writing dreams that had been squished down and buried for about a decade or so.

Lianne at Excessively Diverted by Divine Mojo.I just recently discovered Lianne and I’m so glad I did. She is currently reading Wayne Dyer’s new book on the Tao Te Ching and I am enjoying tagging along with her on this journey.

2. A while ago my awesome friend Mert awarded me the honor of being a Rockin’ Girl Blogger.

And now I get to share this award with some of my favorite Rockin’ Girl Bloggers, such as:

Jessica at Oh The Joys, who was finally able to make her Park Ranger dream come true.

Maggie at Mighty Maggie, who is 4 months into a new baby and continues to rock the humor with her hilarious posts.

Baggage at Baggage and Bug, foster mom and Rockin’ Girl extraordinaire.

Crse at at Zamphir Panflutemaster, whose awesome take on life frequently makes me snort with laughter.

Lynne at Musings From The Edge, coach, mentor, friend, and all-around Bad-Ass Babe.

3. I recently signed up for the newest trend sweeping the blogosphere; namely, Blog Rush.

This blog has some helpful posts explaining some of the ins-and-outs. I like it because it is an easy way to be introduced to new blogs and bloggers, as well as being a pretty easy way to drive traffic to your own blog. Plus I always like to add cool new widgets to my site to increase my Nerd Points

Today I was working out with my trainer and we got into a discussion about safety. Gym safety is very important to me, seeing as how my number one fitness goal is To Not Die. But after this conversation, I’m not sure that she and I are moving in the same direction as far as our goals go.

My Trainer: Hey, did I ever tell you that that was the part of my certification exam that I failed?

Me: The safety part?

My Trainer: Yeah. You know how when you have a client who is short of breath and is showing signs of distress, how you’re supposed to be real careful and conservative with them?

Me: Yeah.

My Trainer: Well I didn’t do that. I killed ‘em.

Me (not really sure how to respond to that, attempting to unobtrusively gauge the distance between me and the nearest exit.)

My Trainer: But you know, Jenny, the thing about failing is that you start to think, “Hm, maybe I shouldn’t kill people.”

Me (totally on board with this, and wanting to encourage this train of thought as much as possible.): I think that is an excellent motto for life.

Where else would I learn such colorful additions to my vocabulary as the way one of my students recently described a former friend:

“Well, I used to like him. But then he got his man period. And he hasn’t gotten over it yet.”

That really just says it all, doesn’t it?

OK, Madeleine L’Engle was one thing.

I mean, she was almost 90, so her passing was not entirely unexpected, even if it does mean that we’ll never know what happened to Charles Wallace Murray, or whether or not Vickie Austin and Adam Eddington ever end up together.

So while I’m not happy about it, I can live with it, because at least all those characters were left in a good place.

But now Robert Jordan?

Have I offended you or something?

I mean, is there a reason that you’re slowly killing off all of my favorite authors, one by one?

Seriously, WTF?!

Thank you for your kind attention to this matter

Sincerely,

a devoted reader who does not care to have any more of her ongoing series abruptly cut off with all of the loose ends left hanging

Apparently this past Monday, September 10th, was A Very Special Holiday known as Free Hug Day.

And if ever there was a time that I was grateful to be The Biggest Hermit On The Face Of The Earth, it was then. Because along with my myriad other fears (See: Snakes, Real and Imaginary, Calling People On The Phone, Going Anywhere Near The Bathroom During A Thunderstorm), I get really nervous whenever people try to hug me. And that’s kind of a problem, because I live in the South. And down here, people hug. A Lot.

I really can’t explain why, but I get really anxious whenever anyone invades my personal space, which has apparently expanded over time until it is now approximately the size of a seven figure, luxury home complete with its own gated community.

Back in my church-going days I used to get so anxious every Sunday. Because in addition to all of the religious issues, such as “Why Everything You Like About Life Is The Gateway To Hell”, I also had to endure The Greeting. In theory I can understand that it seems like a really good idea to make friends with all the people sitting next to you in your pew. But to my way of thinking there is really no need for even a handshake, much less an embrace, when clearly a brief meeting of the eyes and an acknowledging head shake will do. If you have never seen me before that day, and will probably never see me again, then why do you feel it necessary to clutch me to your breast as if I were the Prodigal Son finally returning home?

And while we’re on the subject of breasts, can we just talk for a minute about how awkward it is to be, say, a well-endowed, double D-sized babe, and have to endure a full, frontal encounter with some other woman’s “girls” in a moment that can only be described as, The Big Squish?

I imagine that if you are a guy reading this then you might be thinking, “Hey, having to get up close and personal with breasts? I really don’t see what the problem is.” But I think that if you had to regularly participate in some kind of obligatory social ritual which required you to press your family jewels up against some other guy’s cash and prizes, you would quickly be singing another tune.

So needless to say I did not participate in Free Hug Day, which for me would have translated into Free Have A Nervous Breakdown Every Single Time Anyone Even Looked At You Until You Ended Up As A Quivering, Whimpering Mass On The Floor Locked In The Fetal Position Day.

But if anyone ever designs a holiday along the lines of Free Quietly Sending Nice Thoughts To Other People While Safely Locked Away In Your Hermit Cave Day, I’m totally there.

In the parking lot of our gym, looking at the window decals on one of the trainers’ car.

Me: Oh look, she likes the Care Bears.

My husband (looking at me a little pityingly): Um, dude, that’s a sticker for the Grateful Dead.