In continued celebration of our anniversary, and because hell if I can think of anything funny to say right now, I offer this retrospective piece I wrote last summer, during a time when The Funny was apparently still flowing fast and free.

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Have you ever had one of those days where you have clearly mapped out everything you need to do that day, but Thing #2 depends on Thing #1, and Thing #3 depends on Thing #2, and everything is woven together in an interlocking chain of Stuff That Is Not Getting Done because you can not, for the life of you, figure out how to complete Thing #1? Well the other day was like that for me.

Normally this is entirely my fault, since Thing #1 is usually something like, “Put on clothes.” (Dammit, you mean there’s no naked grocery shopping today? Well, forget it. There’s no point in even showing up for this day then!) But this day was a bit trickier, because Thing #1 was, “Make The Vacuum Cleaner Not Smell Like Poo”.

Having things not smell like poo is very important to me, but it can also be very difficult because we live with three cats. With humans it’s easy, because you almost never have to speak to them about this particular issue. Humans tend to take care of this themselves. But cats are a different story. And last week there was An Incident while I was changing the cat boxes, and it wasn’t pretty.

So as I was sitting on the floor and dismantling the vacuum cleaner, I began to think about how many pivotal moments in our marriage could be traced back to this particular appliance.

When we were first married and my husband received his first big bonus we bought…a vacuum cleaner. (Well we bought other things too, but I don’t have any funny stories about those items.) We were so excited about this vacuum cleaner. You would have thought we grew up in households without any electricity where we were required to clean the carpets every day by licking them with our tongues. We couldn’t wait to get home at night and vacuum things (and no, I can’t explain why that was, so don’t ask.)

I guess we were just excited to finally be a married couple, out on our own, buying “grownup” things. But man were we funny (as opposed to today, where we are a bastion of sobriety and maturity-NOT).

So we vacuumed, and we were happy, and then we moved into our new house, and we had even more space to vacuum, and we were happy, and then one day…we ran out of vacuum cleaner bags. Normally this would not be a problem, but my husband and I have completely different shopping philosophies.

When faced with the need to buy something my husband compares approximately 800 bongjillion styles, prices, sizes, locations, options, and, please, somebody, kill me now and end this misery! Whereas I decide what I need, go to a store that sells it, find something that meets my needs, and buy it. His method works great when you’re buying things like cars, washing machines, and computers, but it can be a real problem when you run out of something like, say, bread.

The tricky thing is that I grew up with a lot of messages that said, “If anyone ever tells you to do something, you MUST do it.” Especially if that someone is a man, and especially if that man is related to you. (Important Side Note: If you are my husband and you are reading this, you had better not be thinking, “Man, I really miss those days!”)

So my husband told me that before I was allowed to buy any more bags and continue my vacuuming, I had to shop around. And I tried, I truly did. But what I never knew until I became a vacuum cleaner owner myself is that, much as each human being needs their own special type of blood, each machine takes its own particular type of bag. And apparently ours uses the extremely rare, AB- equivalent type of vacuum cleaner bag, because I could not find those suckers ANYWHERE.

So the pressure was building, and the carpets were dirty, and I wanted my husband to approve of me, and then one day…I discovered online shopping. I entered in our type of vacuum cleaner bag, and up popped this luscious list of bags, all ripe for the buying. And I thought, “I can’t take it anymore-I MUST be able to vacuum!” And I bought the first package on the list. And then I sat and waited for the earth to crash into the sun, because I had just made a decision to do something other than what my husband wanted.

Of course it turned out to be no big deal. So my confidence slowly began to grow, and I began to trust in my own abilities to buy things like closet organizers and crock pots all by myself. And now I have become such a Brazen Consumer Hussy that I recently bought myself an MP3 player while my husband was off in a whole other state, and I never consulted him once.

And fortunately the vacuum cleaner lives on, able to continue marking these important moments in our marriage. Because the odor turned out to be nothing that sucking an entire Lysol Sanitizing Wipe directly up into the hose couldn’t fix. (You know, just in case this particular issue ever comes up for you.)

Today is my husband’s and my 11th wedding anniversary-yay!

We’re going out to celebrate, and while we do I thought I’d rerun this piece I wrote 2 years ago on our anniversary, because it still sums us up really well.

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In honor of today being my 9th wedding anniversary, I thought I’d write a little about how my husband and I have worked out our own particular division of marital labor in order to ensure a smooth, well-running relationship. Because there are things they don’t cover in premarital counseling, such as how to adjust to the fact that each of you deals with stress differently.

When it comes to handling stressful situations, my husband is in charge of Being Calm, which is best illustrated through the following story.

After we’d been married for three years we bought our first house, and after we’d lived in our house for six months we had a really bad ice storm. We thought the worst that happened was that we lost power, but we soon discovered just how wrong we were when I walked into our bedroom and saw a GI-NORMOUS tree sticking through the roof.

Naturally I called for my husband, and he responded by saying, “What?” Now I’m sure you can picture this situation, so you know the tone I was using. It was not, “Could you please come in here when you get a minute, hon?” It was, “COME! NOW! BAD!” Fortunately he decided to amble in and see what was going on. That was good because I only had the one yell in me, and then I lost all ability to speak and was reduced to quiet whimpering.

So he came into the room while talking on the cell phone to his dad, saw the giant hole in our roof, and… started describing it in precise, rational, scientific terms to his father. Like, “Hm, the hole is about the size of a dinner plate, and the tree is protruding approximately eighteen inches down from the ceiling.”

And I’m standing there looking at him, the love of my life, the man I waited seven years to marry, and I’m thinking, “Who are you, and what is the MATTER with you?! Why are you not freaking out when CLEARLY that is the response called for in this situation?!”

But this is where the whole division of labor thing came in handy, because he calmly organized some roof triage, and I got to come up with a funny story to tell people.

However there are some times when being calm can backfire on you, and that is where I come in. So in addition to getting to do all of the freaking out, in stressful situations I am also in charge of Reasonable Expectations. And I have a story for that too.

About a month after moving into our house, things were going well. I was enjoying unpacking and decorating, and I had just gotten a new job working at a bookstore, which is something I always wanted to try.

One day my husband came home from work and announced that there was a position open at his job for someone to go to Denmark for a year. And he thought we should go. And he was serious. He honestly believed that this was absolutely the best, most rational, most logical next step for the direction of our lives. And he was upset when I responded by bursting into tears and crying for like, an entire day. He said, “I don’t understand why we can’t discuss this rationally.”

So here we are six years later (still living in America), and we’ve gotten our routine down pretty well. He is in charge of Things That Sting, Time, Calling People On The Phone, and Knowing How To Get Around In Any Given Location, and I am in charge of Funny Smells, Sneaking In Decluttering So He Doesn’t Notice It, Knowing Things About People, and Holding His Drink When We Go Out Somewhere.

It works for us.

This weekend I attended a workshop on EFT and my classmates and I got into a discussion about all the different areas where we could use this great healing tool.

Since we were all women, unsurprisingly the conversation turned to the question of weight, and one woman offered this possible alternative view.

“Say you weigh 150 pounds, but you want to weigh 125,” she explained. “If you think about it, you do already weigh 125-plus a little extra. So you could use an affirmation that says ‘I am at my goal weight’ because you are.”

“That’s true,” piped up another woman. “Apparently a lot of us are just overachievers!”

He always sees the good in me.

This weekend we were playing a new video game featuring characters from the X-Men series of comic books. I’m playing as “Storm”, the character who can harness the power of weather.

I’m a bit directionally challenged , so I told him, “It’s a good thing you’re the one in charge of getting us around, because to me it looks like we’ve come back to this same exact room about 27 times.”

“That’s OK, baby,” he replied. “Some of us can read maps, and some of us have lightning.”

My husband: Well, a war that you probably weren’t even aware of looks like it may finally be coming to an end.

Me (thinking hard about where there might currently be a war): Afghanistan? Iran? The Balkans? Lichtenstein?

My husband: Have you heard of “The Format Wars”? Blue Ray v. HD DVD’s?

Me: (blink)

My husband: Well, Blockbuster just announced that they will only be stocking Blue Ray DVD’s from now on, so hopefully soon there will finally be one standard form of high def DVD’s, and we can start buying movies on DVD again.

Me: Um,…yay?

I realize (I don’t like it-especially when it is performed directly in front of someone who has just entered our house, a person we are trying to welcome into the warm, comforting blanket of our hospitality-but I get it) that for cats, sniffing one another’s ass is the social equivalent of “catching up” with each other and small talk.

But, Tigger: if Pip has spent the last 8 hours sound asleep, in the exact same spot, in the exact same position-not moving a single muscle-then has the information contained in her furry grey hind end REALLY changed so much that you need to investigate it as if it is the feline version of the Rosetta Stone?

I think not.

Me: I think the robots in this game are a little anachronistic.

(Yes, I was trying to hold to a uniform standard a video game whose only consistency lies in the constant featuring of scantily-clad, anatomically-impossibly-large bosomed females.)

My husband: I don’t think they’re robots, so much as animated suits of armor.

Me: Scarily, that actually makes sense.

I am a spiritual seeker-always have been, always will be.

I hunger for more and more experience of the Divine, and I love helping to facilitate that experience for others.

Until today.

Today I found out that the man who is supposed to be helping Dave with the repairs on our house is not, in fact, coming over to deal with the ants currently infesting our chimney but is, instead, off in the mountains of North Georgia performing a vision quest.

Today, karma and the Law of Attraction can just suck it.

I’ve been having a lot of fun lately playing around on Facebook.

The other day I was talking about this with my husband, telling him about all the different applications you can add to your profile.

“There are things that let you do stuff to other people besides ‘poke them’,” I told him. (”Poking” someone is one of the default actions on everyone’s profile along with things like “Send Message” and “View Photos”.) “But I don’t understand why you would want to poke someone in the first place.”

“Really?” he replied. “You don’t?” And then burst into chortling laughter, highly amused.

Um, no, I don’t. Is that like how when women want to share an emotion they will do so with a hug, or a pat on the hand, or possibly a nice note while men, apparently too moved for words, are forced to resort to smacking each other on the ass?

Amazingly enough, today is this blog’s second birthday-Yay!

I really wish I had something witty, articulate, humorous, and lightly insightful to write here. Instead, I had The World’s Most Painful Leg Cramp Ever.

Apparently it took getting so run down and dehydrated that there was not enough moisture in my body to keep it running without my muscles seizing up into painful knots at 5 o’clock in the morning for me to realize that, “Hm, I seem to be running on empty here.”

In The Artists Way Julia Cameron talks about going on artist’s dates with yourself in order to keep your creative well filled. As I sat down to list all the things I’ve done since I marked my previous blog-a-versary and the list got to be six pages with still no end in sight, I realized that I’ve perhaps let my well run a little bit dry.

And so I’ve decided to give myself a little vacation from blogging. Not like I usually do, where I can’t think of anything to write and don’t post for a week, all the while worrying and obsessing about the fact that I’m not writing. No, this time I’m taking a vacation in my mind. I’m giving myself permission not to think about my blog for the rest of this week. I’m gonna take a little time to refill my well.

So thank you all so much for sticking with me for the past two years. Here’s to many more “entertaining stories from everyday life.”

I’ll see ya when I get back.