Coffee Is The New Black
Author: Administrator
Category: The Naked Truth, Playing Well with Others
Back when I was in high school peer pressure was easy to spot, and there were always very clear-cut reasons available to me for saying “No”. Smoking? Um, no thanks, on account of all the cancer and all the death. Drinking? Hm, think I’ll pass as I have no desire for my parents to kill me for engaging in such behavior. Sex? I couldn’t stand anyone else’s children; I certainly didn’t want any of my own.
But by the time I finally finished school, got married, and entered my thirties, I began to relax. Surely, I thought, the time of being scorned for being “different” had passed.
Oh silly, naive woman.
All that getting older meant was that I was now eligible to experience Peer Pressure For The 21st Century. What might that be, you ask? Only every time someone turns to me and says, “Hey, you wanna go and get some coffee?” Because no, I don’t. And apparently, the fact that I am thirty-four years old and do not drink coffee makes me just as much of a nerd now as I was when I wore maroon knee socks to the first day of eighth grade.
And what I want to know is, just who got to make that rule? Because I hate to break it to you, all you super-caffeinated, latte-loving, Hot Beverage Elitists. But coffee? Does Not Taste Good. And deep down in your secret heart of hearts, I know you know this too. Why else would we now have specialty coffee shops selling a multitude of coffee products specifically designed to camouflage the taste of coffee by adding a zillion other flavors?
Yet all you coffee drinkers persist in proselytizing us “unconverted” with the zeal of someone who will be forever banned from Brewed Bean Heaven by the Java Gods themselves if you fail in your mission to convert us to your way of thinking. (Seriously, what’s up with that?) Because, no, I would not like to try your coffee ice cream, coffee gum, coffee milkshakes, or coffee iced beverages. Because the whole “tastes-like-coffee” part? Would be the part I hate!
And it doesn’t do any good to try and explain this to you. Apparently, the possibility of another human being not enjoying your own personal Elixir Of Life is completely incomprehensible to you. Because every time I try, you all just look at me with the dazed, blank expression that would’ve been appropriate had I just announced, “You know, I feel so much freer now that I’ve decided to go naked from the waist down.”
The reason that I’m bringing all of this up right now is that I just spent the last week in Seattle which is, of course, The Mecca Of All Things Coffee. I didn’t think anything about it until I discovered that the friends I was visiting were all coffee drinkers. And unfortunately, they are also Friends Who Know Things About Me, which gave them some pretty serious leverage to hold over me if they so chose. (As in, “Hey, Jen. Remember how back when we were ten we used to compete over who would get braces first because we thought braces were really cool? And so we’d put paper clips on our teeth and …” ACK! No! Please stop! I’ll drink anything you want if you just please stop talking now!)
Fortunately for me, these friends are also very nice. (Hi, Jen. Hi, Ana.) But they were definitely Women On A Mission last week, a mission they tricked me into joining through the following conversation:
Jen and Ana: Have you ever actually tried coffee?
Me: Well, no.
Jen and Ana: So how do you KNOW that you don’t like it?
Me: Damn you and your evil logic!
But because they are nice they decided to work me up gradually to the point of consuming beverages containing actual coffee. So first we started out with a nice Chai Tea Latte. Then we worked our way up to a tasty Snickers Steamer. And then, on Saturday evening, came the moment of truth: a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Which I tried. And did not like. Because…wait for it…IT TASTED LIKE COFFEE!
They were nice about it though, and gave me lots of credit for trying, although I still don’t think they were completely convinced (What? You no longer wear any pants? What?)
But I survived and have now returned to The Land Of Coke which, as everyone knows, is the only drink you’ll ever need.
What?! You don’t like Coke? Dude! Seriously. What’s wrong with you?
coffee, fun with friends, peer pressure, Playing Well with Others, The Naked Truth Using My Powers for Good by Jenny Ryan linked with Using My Powers for Good by Jenny Ryan
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17 Comments so far
1.
Christine
October 9th, 2006 at 3:25 pm
Thankyou for the Monday laugh and reminding me it’s Pumpkin Spice Latte time. My husband doesn’t drink coffee either, he hates the taste, and here I thought he was the only one who didn’t like coffee.
Here from the Carnival of Life.
2.
Administrator
October 9th, 2006 at 4:10 pm
Thanks for visiting! And let your husband know that he is NOT alone!
3.
CRSE
October 9th, 2006 at 7:27 pm
I celebrate with you my freedom to choose my beverage when someone invites me to “go for coffee”. I actually enjoy the mochaness of coffee but it could be because of the camoed taste with the chocolate. Im glad you had fun (or at least it sounds like you did!) and glad you are back!
4.
Colleen Gleason
October 10th, 2006 at 9:27 am
I happen to be a tea-drinker myself. I proudly announce that I don’t drink coffee (and by the way, I completely agree with you–it doesn’t taste good, and they know it! And UGH on the coffee breath. UGH UGH UGH!).
And just to show you how effed up some people are (this is related to the mecca of coffee), one of my good friends who travels a lot is a very attractive woman of 49.
She was in NYC on business, and a gentleman asked if he could buy her a glass of wine (at the hotel restaurant). She accepted, they chatted, he mentioned, when asked, that he was “sort of in charge of the Starbucks in NY”, and my friend, who is an account manager for a large company, mentioned that Starbucks was one of their accounts, so she knew quite a lot about it.
The guy told her all about his wife and two kids, and they chatted about business for a long time (you know what’s coming, don’t you?)…and finally he asks if she’d like to help him in his hotel room.
Help him in his hotel room.
Riii-iiight.
She politely declines.
“Don’t you want to help me with my mini-bar?”
“No thank you.”
She excuses herself, goes up to her room and just as she reaches the door, “feels” something behind her. Turns. It’s the guy.
“What are you doing here?” she asks.
“I just wanted to make sure you got to your room all right.”
Yeah.
“Step back or I’m going to hurt you,” she says, and he at last complies.
But here’s the punchline–and the reason I hijacked your blog to share this story (partly ’cause it ticked me off so much)….three days later my friend is watching TV and she sees this guy on TV.
And he’s the President of Starbucks.
5.
Momish
October 10th, 2006 at 10:22 am
Ok, I can relate. I never NEVER drank coffee. I was a tea person. But, unfortunately, I was a tea snob to boot. So, in college I forced myself to drink coffee. Because, if you are tea snob, then even coffee is better than tea from a vendor made with hot water (boiling or no deal!). I actually got to like coffee and a decade later live by it. But, I refuse to drink beer. I just won’t go there ever. So, I forgive you for snubbing coffee!
6.
Administrator
October 10th, 2006 at 12:35 pm
I celebrate with you my freedom to choose my beverage when someone invites me to “go for coffee”.
Amen, sister!
7.
Administrator
October 10th, 2006 at 12:36 pm
Colleen-HOLY COW!
8.
Administrator
October 10th, 2006 at 12:37 pm
Momish, I found the PERFECT store for tea snobs when I was in Seattle. It is called Teavana and Jen and I were TOTALLY blown away!
9.
Maggie
October 10th, 2006 at 4:16 pm
Yes, it’s difficult to steer clear of coffee in the Pacific Northwest and I agree with you- why all the attempts to cover up the taste? It’s divine all by itself! Actually, I don’t drink coffee anymore because it makes me all jittery-like. It’s been 3 years and my friends STILL don’t know what to do with me. But Coke? Coke is Satan’s beverage.
Happy 34!
10.
tbirdonawire
October 11th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
I’m 43 and don’t drink coffee! I love the smell of certain coffees, but I do not like green eggs and ham, er, um, I mean coffee not matter how it gets “masked”.
But, well, I must confess I don’t like pop (or soda, whatever) either. Milk is my downfall. Can you say, moo?
;o)
11.
AnnMarie
October 12th, 2006 at 11:46 am
I can’t even stand the *smell* of coffee much less the taste. In high school, our French class went to a French restaurant. Not knowing it was concentrated coffee, I ordered an espresso for dessert. Oh what horror! I grew up with Dad making coffee every single morning; I hated walking into the kitchen. Thankfully, my DH doesn’t drink coffee very often. Realizing the coffee pot is only used when we have guests, I just put it in the basement so I’m not bugged by the mere thought of coffee every time I see it on the counter.
12.
wendy
October 14th, 2006 at 1:37 pm
hi jenny: oh, how i wish i’d known you were in town…..i was in LA with my kids while you were here?? whidbey island is a stone’s throw from seattle. it would have been so cool to have gotten to see you in PERSON. next time??? and me??? i like the way coffee smells, but have never liked the taste…..why doesn’t it taste the way it smells?? (O: i don’t get it and have always felt like a nerd, too………..at MY age!! oxoxoxoxoxo blessings on you! wendy from whidbey island
13.
Administrator
October 14th, 2006 at 4:35 pm
But Coke? Coke is Satan’s beverage.
What? I hear the words you’re saying, but they aren’t making any sense.
Happy 34!
Thanks! It was very happy!
14.
Administrator
October 14th, 2006 at 4:36 pm
Milk is my downfall.
Wow, you’re lucky that your downfall is at least healthy :p
15.
Administrator
October 14th, 2006 at 4:39 pm
Not knowing it was concentrated coffee, I ordered an espresso for dessert.
I made the same mistake with a chocolate-covered espresso bean-ugh!
16.
Administrator
October 14th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
Hey, Wendy!
I’m sorry to have missed you. But don’t worry. We’re already planning for next year’s reunion!
17.
Using My Powers for Good by Jenny Ryan
December 28th, 2006 at 4:40 pm
[…] 11. I Discover That Yup, I Was Right. I Really Don’t Like Coffee […]