So today I had to go back to the dentist again, for the third time in nine days. And while that did indeed mean more drilling (or as I like to think of it, being poked with sharp, hot sticks), the good news is that it also meant more novocaine and more nitrous oxide.

As I was lying in the chair, floating along in my own little dream world, I heard the dentist explaining to his assistant why he was employing a particular technique at that time, and how that was going to save us all a lot of time and effort in the long run.

“I’m killing birds here,” he said, “Multiple stones.”

“Multiple stones,” agreed the assistant.

And somehow, despite the drilling, and the drugs, and the four hands and seventeen million dental instruments currently occupying my mouth at that moment, The Grammar Snob in me was still able to register that something was wrong with what they’d just said. And so, struggling up from my murky internal depths I found the strength to mutter,

“No. Muldible birds.”

“What?”

“It’s muldible birds, dot stodes.”

Apparently, you just can’t keep good grammar down.

This is officially Week 14 of Working Out With A Trainer. And I was so excited to go in and see her today, because I had PROGRESS to report! Namely, that I can tell I’ve lost inches around my waist because none of my pants will stay up anymore and now I am one of those “Baggy Pants People”.

So in order to “celebrate”, after every exercise on a machine I got to do 20 second drills of jumping jacks or jumping rope. (Clearly, she and I have completely different ideas of what constitutes a celebration.) And for my extra-special BONUS treat? Two sets of reverse curls on the incline bench.

Next time I’m just gonna buy a belt and keep my big mouth shut.

Today at Be A Good Dad you can find the latest installment of the Carnival Of Family Life.

Blog carnivals are one of the things I am experimenting with, along with the Thursday Thirteen meme and podcasting, to try and increase traffic to my blog. (Up next: begging, pleading, and bribes.)

You can click here to read my entry in the carnival. I’m going over to “Be A Good Dad” now to check out the other participants, and I’ll update this post later to let you know about all the good stuff I find over there.

(PS-Sorry this is not up to my usual witty standards. But the dentist’s office just called to remind me that I have another hour-and-a-half appointment tomorrow (in addition to the hour-and-a-half appointment I had last Friday) where I will be the lucky recipient of some more Poking With Sticks. Ugh.

**Update**

Check out this post at Be A Good Dad entitled, “If We Bought Our Children From iTunes”. On the downside: “You and all of your friends will all have the exact same kids.” But, on the bright side: “we’ll be able to hit pause anytime we need a break.”

And check out this post for a funny tale of how a 6 year old upstaged her dad during an F-14 training simulation.

And go here to read about a mom’s efforts to understand the latest strategy her kids have developed in order to totally blow her mind. “Just the other day, I made a concerted effort to get inside the mind of my children and finally discover the truth behind this strange phenomenon. While sitting at my desk, I stared at a simple pencil. It was just lying there, alone and neglected, frequently passed over for the keyboard. I figured that if I stared at it long enough, maybe I too would feel the primal urge to chew on its soft wood or gnaw on the gummy eraser. So I continued to stare. After about 40 seconds, the pencil rolled off the table, perhaps in an effort to save itself from potential consumption. And, I concluded that I was the one who needed therapy.”

And here you can read a post entitled, “Thinking about selling one on ebay”, where a man describes holding down the fort while his wife recovers from surgery. “As she’s recovering from the C-section birth, I’m charged with everything else. At least I don’t have to breast-feed, that would suck.”

Ooh, score! I discovered a new humorist here

As I believe I’ve mentioned here once or twice, we live with three cats. We love them for so many reasons, not the least of which is that they provide us with so many hours of entertainment with the wacky things they do, and then we get to say things like, “Well, it looks like the aliens are beaming messages into their brains again.” Because really, what other explanation is there for those times when they awaken from a dead sleep because, “My God, I must lick my own ass 75 times in a row RIGHT NOW!”

Additionally, having cats gives us the opportunity to refer to other creatures in the third person, as in, “The Bailey just pooed in the tub again,” or, “The Tigger just captured another lizard and is ‘playing’ with it in your office.” I have no idea why we do this. Perhaps it’s not actually the cats’ brains that the aliens are after. (Mwa-ha-ha! We’ve gotten the humans to refer to the felines in the third person. By next month they will be referring to them as, “Your Royal Highnesses, The Supreme Rulers Of The Universe”!) [Read more…]

1. Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her [Rachel]. It’s her wedding day.
Joey: What? Like there’s some rule or something?
(from The Pilot)

2. Chandler (RE:TV): Oh, I think this is the episode of Three’s Company where there’s some kind of misunderstanding.
(from The One With The Sonogram At The End)

3. Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is smoking’s cool and you know it.
(from The One With The Thumb)

4. Monica: Joey. What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: I’d probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if Little Joey’s dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh, Joey. (ENUNCIATING) Omnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I’m sorry.
(from The One With George Stephanopoulos)

5. Phoebe and Chandler are at Central Perk together, waiting to break up with their significant others.
Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Chandler: That’s great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
Phoebe: Eehh! I don’t want to do that.
(from The One With The East German Laundry Detergent)

6. Monica: Mom already called this morning. Just to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know that my ears are not my best feature?
Ross: Some days it’s all I can think about.
(from The One Where Nana Dies Twice)

7. Ross (at Carol and Susan’s apartment): Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don’t let you do it.
(from The One Where Underdog Gets Away)

8. Joey: Yeah, He’s gonna keep cheating on my ma, like she wanted. My ma’s gonna keep pretending that she doesn’t know, even though she does. And my little sister Tina can’t see her husband anymore ’cause he got a restraining order-which has nothing to do with anything, except I found out today.
Rachel: Wow.
Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Walton’s Mountain
(from The One With The Boobies)

9. Janice: By the way Chandler…I cut you out of all my pictures. So, if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
Chandler: That’s okay.
Janice: Oh, are you sure? ‘Cause you could make little puppets and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.
(from The One With The Candy Hearts)

10. Joey: Hey, Pheebs, guess who we saw today?
Phoebe: Ooo, ooo, fun. Liam Neeson! Morley Safer! The woman who cuts my hair!
Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.
(from The One With Two Parts, Part One)

11+. Rachel (WAVING A LETTER): I got an interview! I got an interview!
Phoebe/Monica: Oh my God! Where?
Rachel (WITH AWE): Saks. Fifth. Avenue.
Monica (HEARTFELT): Oh, Rachel.
Phoebe: It’s like the mother ship is calling you home.

Chandler (referring to Rachel): Could you want her more?
Ross (ALL INNOCENCE): Who?
Chandler: Dee, the sarcastic sister from What’s Happening!!

Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what?
Chandler: Uh, okay. The fifth dentist caved? Now they’re all recommending Trident?
(from The One With All The Poker)

12. Ross: And you know what the funny thing is, when this day is over, you get to go home with the baby-okay. Where does that leave me?
Susan: You get to be the baby’s father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There’s Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. There’s no…Lesbian Lover’s Day!
Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover’s Day!
(from The One With The Birth)

13. Melanie (SNUGGLING UP TO JOEY): There is a little child inside this man.
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he’ll die.
(from The One Where Rachel Finds Out)

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!

then you’ll be happy to know that my second podcast is up.

For my second podcast I offer a humorous look back over the first ten years of our marriage entitled, “A Tale of Two Spouses.” This speech won me second place in a humorous speech competition this past weekend, and you can listen to it here,or you can click on the red tab above that says “Podcasts” and access it that way.

**Please Note: Even though these files are called “Podcasts”, it is not necessary for you to have an iPod or iTunes in order to be able to listen to them. You can listen to them using any device or music player (i.e., Windows Media Player) that plays MP3 files.**

Enjoy!

My Dentist: Hm, you have one cavity that needs to be filled, three fillings that need to be replaced, and a tooth that needs a crown. Also, you need to stop drinking soda (What?! Has he been talking with my trainer?) because it’s eating away at your teeth.

Me: OK, but I’m gonna need a lot of drugs.