OK, so there aren’t any actual gardens here, but I was having trouble thinking up a clever way to introduce the new additions I’ve made lately to my cyber-home. (And by “I’ve made here”, I mean, that my amazing techno-god husband has so kindly and lovingly added for me).

If you look over to the left sidebar, you can see there’s a new section for quotes that I like entitled, “Good Words.”

If you look over to the right sidebar, you can see the spiffy graphics for all the books I’m currently reading.

And if you look at the tabs on the top, you will see that there is now a tab for Podcasts. My first podcast is a speech I gave earlier this month entitled, “Black Sheep Girl In A White Sheep World”.

Enjoy!

Before I start with my list I just want to announce that my very first podcast EVER is up and ready to go. If you’d like to listen to me speak about being a “Black Sheep Girl In A White Sheep World”, then just scroll down to the post right underneath this one and click on the link!

1. Your notebook makes me cry.

2. What did I just say?!

3. It’s true: The Spanish language is a worldwide conspiracy of pain and suffering directed at you.

4. Don’t blame me-I did not invent this language.

5. Yes, your teacher actually is doing all of this just because they hate you.

6. Are you actually listening to any of the words I’m saying, or am I talking just to hear the sound of my own voice?

7. Yeah, you should be afraid, because I am TOTALLY gonna kick your ass in this tutoring session!

8. You’re right; people who teach Spanish only go into that field because they enjoy watching other people suffer.

9. HEY! YOU! Eyes on me, not your text messages.

10. If you do not keep all of your papers perfectly organized in a 3-ring binder, there’s a chance you could die.

11. I’m sorry, but I’ve already answered that question five times. From now on, every time you ask me again it will cost you $10.

12. Truly, no one has EVER suffered from Spanish as much as you have. Someone should host a telethon on your behalf.

13. Conjugating verbs makes you irresistible to the opposite sex

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

And lo, the heavens did open, and the angels did descend and pour forth their heavenly songs, because today, I created a Podcast. ALL. BY. MY. SELF!

To give you some idea of the magnitude of this achievement, just imagine if a rock, which moments before had been totally inert, suddenly came to life and began to expound on the principles of Quantum Physics in four languages simultaneously. That’s a pretty good metaphor for what happened here today.

A few weeks ago I gave a speech entitled, “Black Sheep Girl In A White Sheep World” at my local Toastmasters club meeting. Me being who I am it was of course a humorous speech, so I knew it would be a perfect complement to the writing I do here on my blog.

And so I am very pleased to present to you here my very first podcast ever, “Black Sheep Girl In A White Sheep World”.

Dear Shemale Michigan Swinger,

I am sorry to have to tell you this bizarre-dating-game slots, but I am writing to my-personal-loan-debt-eliminate break up with you.

I know shaved-teen-pantyhose-grannies this is hard to take, but it Mature has to be done.

Free Mp3! you just aren’t meeting my Ebony Casino Fetish needs anymore.

You just don’t Goodyourbusiness.bravehost.car-in-insurance-quote-uk, or acknowledge my BIG TITS requests at all.

You and your /betting-book-sport.html will just have to find someone else who is willing to put up with you and all of your incessant, unreasonable buyxananow attitude.

And don’t think for a moment that you can lure me back with your Big Penis-Voyeur-BMW. It’s over. And there’s nothing that you can informally mendacious skullduggery!bookings whichever.gunning fueling!online keno that will ever make me change my mind.

Because I’ve found someone new, a Word Press plug-in named Akismet, a collaborative effort to make comment and trackback spam a non-issue and restore innocence to blogging, someone who gives to me in ways that you never can.

Goodbye, LevitraValiumSoma,

Jenny

After all the posts I’ve written on tub poo, my love of the word “ass”, and other things hiney-related, it really should not have come as such a surprise when my husband informed me that on the episode of “Dirty Jobs” where Mike had to clean out a hippo aquarium, one of the hippos was named Jenny.

Of course.

We here in blog land are really, really tired. And unfortunately, our tiredness is taking the form of extreme crankiness, irritability, and the occasional blasphemy when our contact lens falls off of our finger and onto the bathroom floor.

So to spare you all the psychic pain of reading the kinds of entries I might write about while in this emotional state, like writing an ode to my new sheets, or forcing you to review the results of all the quizzes I’ve taken at Quiz Farm (”The color that best represents you is yellow”), I have instead found someone who’s written something really funny, and who has graciously allowed me to share it with you here.

Through a long chain of interlocking events involving Marney of Artella and Karen of Square Peg People, I was introduced to Tina M. Marks Shirley of Ready Set Free. There is not enough space here for me to describe the awesomeness that is all of these women, so you will just have to visit their websites and experience them for yourself.

And so, without further ado, we present:

Newsflash – Yoga Takes on New Meaning
Temper Tantrum Tips
by Tina M. Marks Shirley

Helpful yoga tips for handling toddler throwing temper tantrum in grocery store:

Do not panic. Do not panic. Do not panic. Repeat aloud if necessary.

Recall ocean breath and perform five times consecutively.

Close eyes.

Bring awareness inward.

Slowly assume Mountain pose.

Use Witness Body. Mindfully remove yourself from the situation and pretend the child is not yours. View unfolding scene from above. Recall Vajrapradama Mudra – The Mudra of Unshakable Confidence. You are completely unaffected by the overturned cart, mess on the floor, noise, and stares. Remove oneself! Stretch muscles in face to form a disgusted look. Gently guide awareness back into the store. Nod head concurringly to lady standing next to you who remarks, “Oh dear….where is that child’s mother?!” [Read more…]

I found this today at tiggerprr’s scratching post, and it made me laugh so hard that I TOTALLY wish I had thought to say it.

R.I.P. Pluto

“Just how much do you have to suck to get kicked out of the solar system by a bunch of pocket protector wearing rocket scientists?”

Baggage over at Baggage That Goes With Mine is hosting a blog carnival on the topic, “What I Want You To Know”. I’ve never participated in a blog carnival before, so here I go.

What I want you to know is that I have always considered myself to be a “Black Sheep Girl In A White Sheep World”. Not because of any horrible traumas or dramatic personal failures, but just because I’ve always felt so different than everyone else around me.

I come from a family that is full of mathematicians, accountants, engineers, chemists, and financial planners. And I…write a humor blog on the Internet. So while my family members are all working through serious issues like, “Gee, I wonder how we can get these molecules to bond together and form this new cancer drug,” I am wrestling with complex problems like, “Hm, would it be funnier to use the word ‘underwear’ or ‘underpants’ in this story? And is there any possible way to work in the word, ‘weasel’”?

And that is just one of the many ways that I am proud to be a black sheep girl in a white sheep world.

Today was “leg day” with my trainer at the gym.

She showed me this exercise she wanted me to do that was a combination of a squat, a squeeze, and a ballet position. It is designed to work your entire lower body, but it looked really hard. So I decided to try and stall for time.

Me: “I never took ballet. I’m too short to be a ballerina.”
My Trainer: “True. But you’re not too short to squeeze your ass.”

1. “I think we can agree. The past is over.”-George W. Bush

2. “A zebra cannot change its spots.” -Al Gore

3. “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” -Dan Quayle

4. “If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” -Bill Clinton

5. “There is a mandate to impose a voluntary return to traditional values.” -Ronald Reagan

6. “I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.” -J. Edgar Hoover

7. “I’m running for president of the United States because I believe that-with strong leadership-America’s days will always lie ahead of us. Just as they lie ahead of us now.” -Bob Dole

8. “If I seem unduly clear to you, you must have misunderstood what I said.” -Alan Greenspan

9. “For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex…uh…setbacks.” -George H.W. Bush

10 “Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands.” -Jesse Helms

11. “Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.” -Orrin G. Hatch

12+. “What we have here is an egregemous miscarriagement of taxitude.”

“I’m providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised…”

“The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.”

“What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?”

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”

-Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.

From 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, ed. by Steven D. Price